the girl who cant be alone..

i cant be alone,., just dont want to be lonely.. i cant be without a man in my life.. and not just talking about any man but the man im with since the past 7yrs and a half.. i tried to hold on to this relationship knowing from the beginning that i know i need to let go sooner or later. but i kept on thinking about how to keep him in my life. i loved too much that maybe i loved the wrong way. they say if you want to keep something or want something to last, let it go and if its meant for you it will come back. But freedom has always been an issue in my life even way back in my childhood. I felt a prisoner from such a young age and so if i feel a hinch of freedom then i would savor it to its last drop till the realization that its not freedom at all.. It just made me a prisoner of another cage stronger. darker and colder than the last.. so those freedoms ive known were just illusions. Im a sucker for freedom i guess but i never really did embrace the basic doctrine.. that truth is freedom, truth sets us free. In my case, i learned to invent my truth. in other words, my lies became my truth and if that happens then you become delusional. now im at the moment that i need to let go again, but this time i need to do it in a peaceful way that means im letting go peacefully and not because of anger and it should be mutual.
i cant sleep alone,,, never have i slept alone peacefully.. but now thats the first punch that i need to deal with. i know it sounds superficial for some but yes it is and actually that is just the surface of what i have to go through being alone.. then i need to learn how to plan solo, to cook for myself only, to plan my future, as a single. i dont know theres a lot of things in my mind right now that i cant even write it all here or itll be a hodge podge of topics bomabarding my head.. i guess it all boils down to that day when my mom left me when in 5th grade and thats the first time i felt so alone but the good thing is i have my friend with me so given that i abhor people haviing pity on me i tried to put on a nonchalant face but the tears just went pouring i couldnt help it.. Its ok, its ok,,, how dare her! - i said to my friend. I dont remember in what room i slept in that night but i know i slept with either of my cousin or my grandma. I could never sleep alone at night...